Journal

03 . 21 . 2021

I'm not certain there will be those interested in my life at all, but for those that are you're more than welcome to follow along. This will primarily be a place where I can share my personal experiences and things I find interesting that don't really warrent an entire article or, as-is with this case, ramblings about my life.

Today was a bit of an emotional one to start. Having a puppy is complicated, especially if you're unfamiliar with being responsible for another living thing. Since I'd been living alone for all of my adult life prior to getting married and starting my new life with my wife - that having just been only the last three years of my life - it's not an easy transition to make. It filled me with moments of regret and in those moments I think of myself as a bad person for feeling the way that I do. It's a bit of a downward spiral of emotions that is mentally damaging; at some point I had to reel myself in and come to terms with my new life and all the responsibility that comes with that. Lack of sleep, cleaning the floors of the remnents of failed house-training, the internal battle of feeling bad for a bored dog and feeling anxious because supporting the family by doing your day job well has to come first, and on and on.

After a two weeks of her - our border collie named Hazel - adjusting to her surroundings and getting used to sleeping during the day when I need to work, things are finally - slowly - becoming less chaotic. There's been daily training, attempts to break bad habits and make new good ones, attempts at kennel training, playing regularly to tire her out, going for a lunch walk, and potty breaks every couple of hours. All of this on top of trying to focus on work and make some kind of progress, doing chores around the house, and, at times, making dinner had finally gotten me in a state where I just had zero energy left to spend. At the end of that two weeks I decided to take a day off of work to regroup and collect my thoughts; after taking that time I felt much more at ease about the entire thing. That is, until chaos struck again this weekend, and we had another accident inside that required a 7AM trip to the store for cleaning supplies followed by 30 minutes of scrubbing and vacuuming. Afterwards she got a bit too excited when running around in the backyard and ripped a whole in my favorite pair of jeans. It's all a part of the process of raising a puppy; teaching them things they can and should do versus things they can't or shouldn't do. Even though I realize this and am coming to terms with it, the small bit of constant upheaval to my days has been... difficult.

I'm not certain at the moment how I feel about the direction my life suddenly and wildly swung in, but I've realized I just have to take things one day at a time. It may sound dramatic to those who've never raised a puppy or to those who are familiar with having someone to look after that requires constant attention and that perspective is not lost on me, but for me these emotions are real and the struggle with my personality - being the overly empathetic perfectionist that I am - is not an easy one.